Discipline for toddlers
Toddlers can be extremely difficult to discipline because there is very little you can do to reason with them, and often they may not understand the problem. However, toddlers are in the learning stages of what behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Thus, learning to properly discipline your toddler is very important. Toddlers are generally in a stage of self realization. They are starting to grasp the concept that they are an individual that can think and act for themselves. Thus, poor behaviors start to emerge as they test the waters, and determine what they like. As a parent you will start to hear the word "no" come from your toddler's mouth. You will see them refusing food, activities, and help, even if they normally would want it. This is all normal and natural. It is all a part of them deciding who they are, and resisting you as they make their own choices. While it is normal and natural, that does not mean you should ignore their resistance, or allow poor behavior. Just the opposite in fact is true. If you can learn good discipline strategies for your toddler, it will likely carry over to the rest of their life.
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So, what should you do to discipline your toddler? First, set the ground rules so that they know what they are being disciplined for.
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Dealing with "No"
Toddlers say no a lot. It becomes one of their most used words, and one that can be very frustrating, as constant negativity tends to wear on you. Toddlers say no because they are exerting their independence, and showing that they are their own person and can make their own choices. However, there are ways to make dealing with "no" easier. Step one: Actually listen when your child says no. Toddlers often say no frequently because you are not actually listening to them when they tell you no. This means they have to say it again and again, and to you it seems like they are always saying no to you. So, what can you do? Listen. If your child is running around in their pajamas and you ask them if they want to get dressed, and they say no, leave them in their pajamas. If you force the issue you are going to hear the word "no" far more often. Step two: Acknowledge their choice. If your child chooses to say "no," that is fine. Validate that they are entitled to an opinion, and if they want to say "no" that is fine with you. The more often you validate them as a person, the more secure they are going to feel about it, and the less likely they will be to resist you all of the time. |
If you want your children to be better behaved, and you want discipline to go over well, you need to teach your children from day one that your family is a team, and every one is expected to pitch in and do their part.
In addition to the team mentality, it is important that you teach them respect, that they should respect you, and that you respect them. To do this you need to listen to your child, focus on them, and stop what you are doing when they have something to say. If you want your kids to do this for you, you need to do it for them.
- You have to give your children responsibility and be consistent about it. Giving your child even one chore that you are insistent they do, and consistently enforce will teach them that they are loved enough that you entrust the responsibility to them. It also teaches them how to contribute. If you are not consistent, good luck getting your toddler to respond.
- Don't try and make life always rosy and perfect for your child. If they're never sad or disappointed, they won't develop psychological skills that are crucial for their future happiness. They have to learn to wait their turn, share a toy, or miss out on a party because their room is not clean. Life is not fair, and even though kids are often upset by this fact, hiding it does not help them grow, and will not help you to discipline any easier.
Okay, now that you understand the basic underlying principles to discipline for toddlers, it is time to look at some specific things you can do, an some specific instances where you might implement the discipline strategy.
Tip one: Substitution.
When your child does something you do not like, like making a big mess all over your newly mopped floor, it is often out of curiosity, not out of spite or to make you mad. Like the rest of us, young children learn by doing and much of the time their "poor" behaviors are actually more of a result of wanting to see what will happen if they do this or that, than actually misbehaving. At least the first time. So, a good way to teach and discipline the child is to take the object away or physically move your child away from it, giving them a safer, less messy, or better alternative. This is substitution. When making the substitution be sure to explain what you're doing to your child. This will teach your child that some actions and behaviors are not alright, and you will redirect them when necessary.
For example, if your two year old keeps chewing on their sleeve or clothes, you can't just keep taking it out of their mouth and nothing else. Instead, remove their shirt and explain to them that they are to be worn, not chewed on. Then, give them something else to chew on, and explain that they can wear their shirt and chew on a carrot stick, or an apple, etc.
Tip two: Right the wrongs together
There are times when substitution is just not going to work because your child is knowingly doing something wrong. For example, making a mess on the floor is normal behavior for a 10 month old, but by the time your child is 3 they should know better. If your child knowingly does something wrong, that is when you need to start teaching the concept of taking responsibility for their actions. This is when they look at you with a smirk as they drop their food on the floor. This means that with your help, they are going to correct the problem. So, if it is a mess on the floor, they will help you pick it up. If it is something else, like hitting, or kicking someone, they will apologize, etc.
For example, if your two year old is eating breakfast cereal and intentionally dumps some on the floor, then when they are finished eating, you can have them assist you in cleaning up the cereal from the floor. They can get on their hands and knees and pick it up, or can hold the dust pan as you sweep it up, etc. Either way, they need to help. While they are helping, it is critical that you instill in them the idea of taking responsibility for the mess. You may say, "You made a mess with the cereal, so now we have to clean it up."??Tip three: Focus on and emphasize the good behavior.
This is a key part to good discipline for toddlers. It is critical that you remember to tell your child when you like how he's behaving, rather than speaking up only when he's doing something wrong. It is really effective to reward good behavior, far more so than only punishing the bad behavior. If you only focus on punishing bad, then they have little incentive to do good. For example, if you and your two year old are always fighting about them eating their food, then it is a good idea to focus on this. When they take that first bite, you can say, "I am so glad you ate some of your food, once it is gone we can have a fun treat." If they eat the majority of it, or at least try it all then continue praising each positive step. For example, if bedtime is a struggle, but they listen and stop playing, praise it. If they get their PJ's on, you can reward them with extra stories.
Tip four: Help them manage anger
Toddlers throw temper tantrums because they have not yet learned how to control their emotions. When they have tantrums, it is not something you should discipline, rather you should teach them how to manage those feelings better. To do this you want to first let them calm down, they will generally do this on their own. You may need to hug them, hold them, rock them, etc. Or, you may need to give them some space. Whatever they need to calm down, give it to them. Once the emotional storm has passed then you need to address it with them. Do not leave it unaddressed, but also, do not try to do so while they are still tantrum throwing. Both approaches are ineffective. Once you have talked about it, fix any problems that came as a result
- For example, if your child does not want to go to bed and so they rip the sheets and blankets off the bed, and throw the pillows all over the place, wait until they calm down, then take them back into their room, and have them clean up the mess they made. If this sets them off again, and they start to have a tantrum, then wait longer this time, and start again. It may take a few times, but ??Tip five: Get on their level.
When disciplining a toddler, you need to do it in a way that they understand. This means you have to talk on their level and in a way that they will understand. Even if you have a very bright toddler, there are ways you can get on their level to make discipline much easier.
When talking to your toddler be sure to repeat back what they say to you. Use short phrases with lots of repetition, gestures, and emotion to show your child that you get what's going on in their head, and that you are listening. If you do this they will respond much better.
For example, if your toddler takes a toy away from another child, you are faced with a choice. You can yank it out of their hands and stick them on time out. However, this is not wise. Instead, take a minute to repeat to them what they seem to be thinking and feeling. You would say, "You want the toy." This is going to help to validate your child's feelings, which will help them settle down. Once they are calm, you can give them the discipline message. You will want to do this in a simplified version, which might make you feel silly, but it will work. For example, "Not yours, Not yours, His turn." Soon they will learn to wait their turn.
- There are other things you can do, but make sure that you listen to your child, and show them respect so that they offer you the same courtesy.
