Can We Still Be Friends?
If you've just suffered through a break-up you may be posed with the question: Can we still be friends? The answer is no; at least, not right away. If you've been together for a while, you've probably become confidants and loyal friends, so you don't want to throw that away, but you'll only be paving your road with pain if you jump from intimacy to just friends right away. Seeing someone frequently that you are no longer involved with in the same way (intimately) can be very painful for one, or both of you. There are steps you have to take before you can really become just friends with your ex, but if you do it right, you could be rewarded with a brilliant friendship from a difficult break-up.
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Step #1: Take your time.
You have to take the time to gain back your sense of self and be an individual again for a little while before you can really move and have a healthy relationship with someone new. You can't do that if you are seeing your ex frequently, talking to him or her, and maintaining a close friendship. You'll never really heal if you don't take the time to be on your own and see that you are okay like that. Time has to separate the two of you before both parties can heal, especially if one still wants to continue the relationship while the other does not. Take your time and become a whole person again so you know you are okay without your ex, but that you can be friends still.
Step #2: Learn some discipline.
Exercising restraint is never an easy task when you are attracted to someone. It is very likely that attraction to the other for one of you will remain. If the two of you really just want to be friends, you'll have to be disciplined with each other, especially at the beginning of the friendship. You should limit how much time you spend together, how long you talk on the phone, how personal you're going to get in your conversation, and whether physical contact should be allowed. Falling in love begins with a choice. Be disciplined not to make that choice again if you really want to be just friends. If you don't want to be just friends, you probably haven't given yourself enough time. Go back to step one. If you really want to be friends you have to be disciplined and set some boundaries for yourself. You can have a really great friend if you allow your friendship to evolve out of something besides intimacy.
Step #3: Use understanding and Patience.
Many times, when couples enter a relationship as just friends after having been involved romantically, one or the other stays friends out of guilt, loneliness, or with a hope the romantic side of the relationship will be rekindled. If this is the case, being friends is just going to cause more pain. You need to be honest and understanding about your motives for staying friends. You need to be aware and understand your ex's feelings. If you realize that despite the fact you are doing well with the friendship, it is more harmful than good for your ex, you may want to let more time pass. Step away from the friendship and allow them the time to come to terms with the end of the romantic side of your relationship. Be patient. You can't have what you had before and you can't even have a good friendship if you don't go through the process of allowing yourself and your ex time to heal and come to terms with themselves.
