How to focus on what you need to improve, not on what others need to improve
One of life's most difficult challenges is to stop worrying about the idiotic things Fred and Joe are doing and worry instead about our own tiny imperfections. We're not talking about "Fred and Joe are experimenting with dynamite in my bathroom, which ironically is where I keep my invaluable shot glass collection, but really I don't want to be a hypocrite because after all I eat too much sugar." No, we're talking about those things which seem huge because of their emotional impact but which narrow into manageable proportions once we take a deep breath, step back, and look at our own behavior.
1. In some ways, the question answers itself. Most of us are aware of one fault or another, whether it be laziness, irritability on the road, chronic abuse of pain meds, cheating in class, cruelty to animals, cruelty to people who are cruel to animals, an unreasoning hatred of Democrats or Republicans (depending on what you are; I guess Democrats AND Republicans would work, too), and so on.
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2. Why not sit down an make a list of things you know you need to improve. Be as honest with yourself as you can. Tell yourself, "I'm not going to worry about Fred's scraggily lawn that is such an eyesore and every time I drive by it I want to ram my truck through his living room window." I'm going to worry about (and you proceed down the list, e.g. you watch too much TV). And then you hang that list up, carry a copy with you, tell your significant other about it, tell your friends about it, build up a support group. It's kind of related to the principle of AA. Bad habits are bad habits, whether they're boozing or watching HBO seven hours a night.
3. Let's say you've made some progress on your what I need to do to improve list, but you're still not feeling right. You still worry about other people's problems excessively. You want to worry about your problems, but there's a smell coming from Fred's backyard that could only be a dead cow in advanced stages of decomposition in the middle of July (you live in Phoenix Arizona). First things first. You may just want to tip-toe over to Fred's and explain how you're allergic to constant gagging and dry heaving, and could he please, you know, get rid of that pile of something. Now, Fred might get uppity for a moment, but it's a reasonable request. Don't go after Fred for his flower bed just yet. Removing that dead cow is a big first step for Fred.
4. So, back to your progress. You've made some. You've made some self-improvements and noticed that your tendency to pick on other people has dropped some. What now? Well, you can always use a change in one area or another, so it's just fine to stay with your list and keep plugging away.
5. There is another step, though, and this is the hardest one. Sometimes we need to improve in areas we have no idea we need improving in. Since we don't watch ourselves, listen to ourselves, and so on, we may be unaware of habits or modes of speech or whatever that are offensive to people we love or work with. Therefore, it isn't at all a bad idea to start with the people who are close to you, and ask them (non-threateningly), "Hey, what could I do to improve myself?" They might answer you and they might not. They might feel awkward at first, and come to you a week later. If you take this step, it's crucial that you steel yourself to not show signs of anger and offense. Talk it through with them. You may even have the experience of someone saying something like, I don't like your clothes style," etc., and that's the sort of thing you can take or leave without a guilty conscious. Unless you're in the habit of wearing one of those European-style man thongs, neon orange, as you weed the garden, mow the lawn, jog, do jumping jacks on the trampoline, sell Girl Scout cookies with your daughter, etc.
` Focusing on what we need to improve ourselves takes a lot of honesty and courage, but at the end of the day we'll feel better, and we'll feel much less need to attack others.
