Fights often happen in relationships as well. Rather than letting your marital battles turn into outright war (which thanks to the Geneva Convention also has rules), consider implementing some rules for yourselves. Fair fighting is not a new concept, and shouldn't be for your marriage either. It introduces a set of rules prescribing a format that allows parties to listen and express their own feelings and concerns in a calm, forthright manner. Most couples don't argue for arguments sake. There are much better ways to resolving conflict than yelling and screaming, or allowing your fight to escalate to violence.

The standard rules of fair fighting are as follows:

• No physical or verbal abuse. Period.
• No offensive labeling of other's character, ideas, or behavior.
• Don't talk for your partner. Don't make assumptions about their thoughts or feelings.
• No threatening to end the relationship if you don't get your way.

After the standard rules are established, you will want to set specific rules for your marital conflicts. The rules must be established when you are calm and in control rather than in a fight already. The goal is to resolve the conflict, not to get even, hash old arguments, or degenerate into dramatics. When you've set your rules, make sure they are written down so you can follow them.

Below are some ideas for setting up the rules of engagement specifically to you and your spouse:

• When: There is usually a better time of the day to argue than others. You don't want to try and resolve conflict when one of you is tired, stressed, or when children may be listening. If you are both relaxed, conflict resolution is much easier reached.
• Where: Decide where you will resolve conflicts. You don't want to take your safe places or sanctuaries and turn them into war-zones, so stay out of the bedroom or wherever you are likely to be interrupted. Pick a neutral ground that you can have a rollicking discussion in.
• What: Agree on the topic for discussion before the argument begins, then don't bring up other areas of conflict.
  • Limit the discussion to a single topic.
  • Focus on the present. Hashing old history just creates bad feelings. Keep in the present and resolve the issue.
  • Keep your concerns short and specific. Don't launch into a monologue that your partner may get lost or confused in. You can only say so much on a single topic, so keep it concise.
  • State your feelings calmly. If you can't state how you feel calmly, then maybe you should delay the discussion until you can.
• How: Use active listening and empathy to solve the problem so both of you are satisfied. Understanding and compromised can be reached if you fight fairly.
• If the rules are disobeyed, complain. If it is not easily resolved, take a time out. Sometimes you aren't calm enough to declare a time-out, so decide before-hand what the visual and verbal signs are that you need one. Reschedule your argument for a time when both parties can approach the problem calmly.