All my husband wants is sex. How can I get him to love me more?

Question: “All my husband wants is sex. How can I get him to love me more?”

Answer: There are a lot of different things to talk about to answer your question. The first thing that I want to say is that you need to recognize that this is not going on because there is something wrong with you. This is not a situation where you are doing something wrong, and you need to fix something about yourself. Rather, this is a problem with communication between you and your husband, and it’s something that the two of you need to work on, together.

You’re not alone in feeling that your husband only wants you for sex. There are lots of wives and significant others who struggle with the same question, and the feelings of insecurity, frustration, and worthlessness that it might bring about. But the key to solving your problem is the key to all healthy relationships: the big C, or communication.

The first thing to you to do is to sit down and think about what you mean by love. How do you understand love? How do you communicate love? Is it through listening to other people, doing things for them, spending time with them, giving them presents? Is physical affection part of the way that you give and understand love? Think about this carefully, because one of the problems that you might experiencing is a discrepancy between the way that you express and receive love, and the way that your husband does.
Many men feel that their primary expression of love is through sex. It is how they give and receive love. However, many women, while they enjoy sex, don’t view it as playing quite as central or important a role in their emotional or physical lives. This different approach to sex can lead to some problems in a relationship if they are not discussed and talked through. Realizing this, and armed with your own self understanding, ask your husband to discuss the matter with you. Both of you should strive to be understanding and loving towards the other person. This is not a discussion to approach defensively or offensively.

Tell your husband how you are feeling about the situation. Express, neutrally-without attacking him-that you feel unloved, lonely, and objectified. Ask him what it is precisely about sex that he wants so much. Ask him how he expresses love and affection, and how he receives it. Discuss how you understand, express, and receive love. You understand the role of sex, but you would appreciate kind notes, a thoughtful conversation, help around the house, expressions of appreciation. Your husband may think that he is doing everything that he should, but he doesn’t understand what it is that you need. One thing to remember about men is that they do need to and like to have things spelled out to them. If you haven’t told your husband how you express and understand love, specifically, then he probably doesn’t have any idea that you are feeling this way and that you feel any sort of void in your life.

Just as you expect your husband to listen to you, listen to him. Maybe he feels that he isn’t asking for sex all that much-you might, and probably do, have different levels of sex drive. The wording of your question reveals that you do not equate love and sex. However, your husband probably does. Respect your husband’s views, and talk to him about what he feels is lacking in your relationship. Both of you should listen to each other with mutual respect, and come to an understanding about each other’s needs and how you can better work to fulfill them.

The important thing for you to remember, however, is that this is not something that is wrong with you. There is not something that you are neglecting to do that, once you figure it out, will make your husband love you more. Instead, this is a matter that requires open communication and understanding between the two of you, as a partnership. Mutual respect and open discussion are the keys to a healthy love.