Appropriate relationships for ten-year-olds
The world is changing rapidly, and kids are facing situations that were undreamt-of as little as ten years ago. That is, kids are facing a sudden deluge of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll that, while it may be no more merely voluminous that it was, say, in the sixties, is definitely much more accessible at a much younger age and, what's more, seems to be more and more acceptable to the sages of popular culture.
Plus, it seems that kids these days are just expected to grow up faster, "growing up" meaning specifically engaging in adult relationships at a very young age. Ten-year-olds, given a steady diet of MTV and role models such as Britney Spears, suddenly believe that they need to be involved in intricate, emotional, sexually active relationships with the opposite sex. Really, the last bulwark between ten-year-olds and such miserable paths is the parent. The parent is in the position of defining for the ten-year-old just what an appropriate relationship is at that age, and then reinforcing that definition through the careful arranging of rules and guidelines for the household.
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We say "careful arranging" because the last thing a parent wants to do is give their ten-year-old a feeling of arbitrariness and a "You'll do it because I say you'll do it is why" philosophy. This is not to say that firmness, that leadership, even that a certain toughness shouldn't be cultivated by parents concerned that their ten-year-olds have appropriate relationships! Far from it. The parent is the parent; they steer the ship; and no crew, deep down, really wants to sail under a weak captain. Still, though, you'll have a much better chance for success if you involve your ten-year-old in these important decisions.
Appropriate relationships for ten-year-olds certainly include the opposite sex, up to a certain point. Appropriate relationships for ten-year-olds are relationships wherein the ten-year-old is learning to get along with the opposite sex, as well as with members of his or her own gender. That is, learning to become friends-to enjoy each other's company; to do fun, meaningful things together; to apologize when necessary; to forgive when necessary; and so forth. In short, appropriate relationships for ten-year-olds are relationships that will prepare them for the deeper and more intense relationships to come, by establishing certain simple fundamentals. Again, these fundamentals include getting along, being fair, being nice, sharing, finding common interests, doing well in school together, and providing support for each other in the face of difficult temptations such as drug use and gang violence.
The parent who can help steer their ten-year-old down these relationship paths is a parent who is helping lay the foundation for a full, happy life. On the other hand, it's a big mistake for parents to fear alienating or angering their ten-year-old to the point that they (the parents) cave in an allow them (the ten-year-old) to run the show, as it were. It's a basic tenet of parent-child psychology that the child will take as much as the child feels he or she can get away with, and furthermore, that the more a child feels he or she can get away with, the less the child respects his or her parents as parents. In guiding your ten-year-old through their appropriate relationships, you've got to keep that word-"guide"-in mind constantly. You've got to think of yourself as a guide-a person who's steering other people through dangerous and confusing terrain.
The more you know the terrain yourself, the more effective you'll be, and the more the people under your guidance will trust you. Become acquainted with the world that your ten-year-old is facing on a daily basis; sit down with your ten-year-old on a daily basis and get to know them better; get to know their friends better, their teachers better, their bands and books and movies better. The better you know the life of your ten-year-old, the better you'll be able to teach your ten-year-old about appropriate relationships.
