Are my kids smart enough?
Question: My sister in law is my best friend, and we spend a lot of time together. However, we both have a child that is the same age, and gender. It can be a problem. She is constantly telling me how much smarter, athletic, and funny her kid is. It is always a comparison. Her child was potty trained before mine, and I had to hear about it every day. I really like her, but I am sick of the competition between us when it comes to our kids. I try to just smile and say, "Yes your child is great." But it never stops. What do I do?
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Answer: Most of the time, people who are in a competition and constantly compare themselves or their children to others do it out of some kind of insecurity. Your sister in law may be judging your parenting, but a more likely scenario is that she is trying to bolster her own by making the comparisons.
Reinforcing that she is doing a good job, and that her child is great can help, but it can also have the opposite affect. If she is making the comparisons so that her ideas of parenting, and her esteem are enforced, then by telling her how wonderful her children are, you are actually fueling the need that is causing the problem in the first places. So, instead of smiling and agreeing, and instead of shooting her down, a good solution would be to ignore the comparisons and turn the conversation elsewhere.
Do what you can to help her feel good about her kids, their abilities, and brains. However, never do it in context to what your child does or does not do. Instead of saying, "I can't believe how early your son was potty trained, mine took forever." Say, "You did a wonderful job potty training your son." This encourages positive interaction without any feeling of competition because the acts are solo. It would be as if you had no child, and were merely passing on a compliment.
If the comparisons do not stop after a little while of you consciously doing this, then it is probably a good idea that you talk to her. If she is your best friend, as you say, then she should be open minded about it. She may not even realize she is doing it, or that it is bothering you. So, just sit her down and let her know what a great mom you think she is, and how gifted and talented you think her children are, but that you would rather not hear about it in comparison to your own. Help her understand that each kid is an individual and has their own set of strengths and weaknesses, and it is unfair, and uncomfortable to you to compare them. If you must, invoke the kids in this. Let her know that you don't want little Jonny hearing that his cousin is smarter than him, as it might cause him some esteem problems.
