Being friends when somebody has broken your trust
How do you remain friends with someone who has broken your trust? Most people's typical reaction is to let that person go. Why bother with someone who you can't trust. Some believe that once trust is broken, it is likely to happen again and again because most individuals don't change their behaviors. Others believe that there is a great difference in the ability to trust again based on the type of relationship that exists. If it is a friendship that is violated that might be a little easier to move past, however, if it is trust violated between the bonds found in a loving relationship - i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, it is far harder to dismiss and may never be repairable.
There is validity in all of the above reactions. Trust is not something easily restored. It is a commodity that in today's society is rare and precious. When we find ourselves in relationships of trust it provides us with stability and strength. It provides us with a sense of belonging and self-worth. When it is violated or flat obliterated by the actions of others - it is debilitating. Not only can it create a complete collapse of one's self worth, but it can create a whole existence of skepticism and doubt. Happiness is rarely found in such places.
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So what does one have to do to earn back the trust of another?
Below are a few suggestions to help the process along.
- Make a list of the reasons you feel you can no longer trust the individual. Be as objective as you possibly can and determine if the items on your list are based in fact or fall under the pretenses of speculation.
- Assess the severity of the items found on your list. Is this something that possibly has been blown out of proportion, or is it something truly severe.
- Let's examine a few examples. Let's say you asked someone to not tell anyone about something embarrassing that happened to you way back in grade school. You need to ask yourself if that is something really worth ending a friendship or relationship over
- Another example is the case of infidelity. Now this is a situation which causes a lot of heart-ache and requires a lot more than this list of suggestions to process. However, in a situation like this, where the trust between two people is broken, it can be difficult to regain trust once again.
- Talk to the person and explain how they violated your trust and explain to them what you think it will take to regain your trust. Be specific.
- Accept an apology if one is warranted. Be accepting of solutions that may be presented to help solve the problem or resolve the situation.
- Forgive the person. This may be the hardest part of the whole process. If you truly have forgiven the person then you will be able to reflect that in your actions as well. To truly forgive means you don't treat them any differently than you would someone else you trust. This doesn't mean that you have to forget the hurt, but it does mean you are able to move past it.
- Give yourself plenty of time to heal. This may be the biggest key. It takes time to be able to forgive and attempt to trust again. Don't shortchange yourself. Explain to the person that time is warranted.
- Observe change - this is a big part of regaining total trust with an individual. If you don't notice any genuine change in behavior, it may be wise to cut ties. People who are truly sorry and genuinely want to make it right will have a change of heart that is manifest through their actions. If no change is evident - the same violations of trust may happen again and again.
