Butting in or butting out of your child's social life
It's amazing the cycle that takes place through the life of a child. When they are born and through their earliest years they can't do anything without you. As they continue to grow and develop they begin to develop an ever increasing desire to be independent. They want their own autonomy. Then as they get older and wise up they realize that they need you once more. The cycle completes itself in one large full circle.
So, as they struggle through those years of autonomy, when is it appropriate as a parent to butt in or out of your child's social life?
Unfortunately, if you wait until their older years of junior high or even high school, you have waited far too long. Communication between adults and children takes many years to develop to a point of trust and friendship. It must be started at the earliest ages.
Here are a few suggestions to help out:
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- Even at an early age, encourage honesty and open communication. Allow discussion of feelings and as a parent - be able to respect feelings while still maintaining discipline.
- Be open to change and communication. As children get older they will have desires to try new and different things. Be supportive. If it is something that really isn't going to jeopardize the ground work you've already laid, then allow them some freedom. If it is something inappropriate, explain to them in open dialogue your reasoning. Just saying NO is appropriate from time to time, but if you are just as open with them as to why they won't harbor as many feelings of anger.
- Get to know their friends and their parents. Find out who they like to hang around. Get to know the families of their friends. It is far easier to address certain issues if you can understand the background of some of the families your child may be influenced by. It also makes it a lot easier to have discussions about appropriate behaviors of your own child or their friends if you have taken the time to get to know them first.
- Invite their friends to come to your home. If your child enjoys having friends at home, encourage it. It allows you to control the environment a little more and allows their friends to better understand the rules and values you abide by in your home. Take advantage of any opportunity they provide to talk with you and have you take them places.
- Don't embarrass them. If there are specific things that your child has expressed to you that might be embarrassing to them, try to avoid it. Embarrassing them in front of friends only further deters them from wanting you around with friends.
Balancing the situations of when to butt in and when not too can be a tricky line to walk. It's a fine line between being intrusive or just involved. The above suggestions can hopefully help provide some balance to those difficult situations.
Remember, the earlier you start communicating with your child the better. However, it is never too late to start. Take advantage of every opportunity provided to you. Keep lines of communication open and honest. While honesty is difficult to hear a lot of the time, it is always better in the long run. Make sure you have a two way street for communicating. As a parent we can sometimes get caught up in "I'm the boss "or "Because I said so". While parenting is still important and appropriate, the way in which we go about it makes a huge difference in our relationship with our children.
