Forgiving someone that you love
When it comes to forgiving, many people think that it is best to forgive and forget because it is the best choice for our mental health. While most of the time this is great advice, it is not always so easy to forgive and forget. Many of us find it harder to forgive people that we love when they have hurt us. The reason for this is that we trusted these people and they have now betrayed us, so why should we let ourselves be set up for getting hurt again. What you need to think about when it comes to forgiving a person is how much you originally valued that relationship and how important that person was in your life. These things can help you determine if you should forget the person and move on or forgive them.
If you decide to forgive the person that you love here are some steps that you can follow.
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Step one:
Forgiving somebody is a choice that you are going to have to make. You are the only one who can decide if you want to forgive someone or not. By being able to make the choice to forgive somebody this gives us some sense of control over our emotions, over our situations, and in some rare cases, even control over the outcome. If we forget that we have a choice to make we leave ourselves open to feeling trapped, which in some cases can lead to depression.
Step two:
In our lives there is very little that we have control over, people think that they have control over a variety of situations in their lives, but mainly this is just an illusion. Most people do not want to lose control over the aspects of their lives that they have control over or the areas that they think they have control over because having control or the illusion of control makes them feel safe. Controlling things in our lives makes us feel secure, so we do the best that we can. Forgiving people that we love is scary because we feel like we have to give up our control to them.
Step three:
When it comes to forgiveness it is unconditional, which means that when we forgive somebody we have come to the terms that we have to accept that person for who they are. Most of the time people think of forgiving somebody as either being in black and white, you forgive them or you don't. However, this is not always true because forgiving somebody is not always that simple because most situations where forgiveness is needed doesn't call for either/or.
Step five:
You need to recognize the fact that you are anger and work through it. By recognizing that you are angry, you are allowing yourself to have a choice in the matter because we can choose whether we want to be angry or not. Another added bonus is that understanding our anger can open the door for communication and can help bring us towards intimacy. What you need to do is to determine if your anger is valid, do you have valid reason as to why you are angry. You also need to decide if the anger is reasonable and appropriate or not. Asking yourselves these questions can help you focus your anger, which will allow you to make healthy choices rather than using anger for revenge.
Step six:
You cannot expect the person you are forgiving to change. Expecting them to change because you forgive them is not going to work because it is a set up for both of you, a set up for failure. Over time, that person may decide to change, but they have to decide on their own to change, you can't control that choice for them. Forgiving them to get them to change isn't forgiveness it is manipulation, which will cause resentment with both parties.
