The first step to using gender communications to improve marital communication is to understand some of the fundamental differences in how men and women typically communicate. Of course, this is not going to be one hundred percent true for one hundred percent of each gender, but these are generalizations backed by research.

Let's look at an example of a communication difference, what problems result because of it, and what you can learn to help eliminate marital communication problems that are caused by this difference:

Communication difference when getting to the point: Men tend to get to the point quickly. They do not generally add in extra details or fluff when communicating. Women tend to use more detail leading up to the point.

• The problem: Often times because of this fundamental difference, men become impatient, or lose interest in the story (hence the accusation of not listening to their wife). Women may become frustrated or offended if interrupted. Women may feel like he does not tell her anything, he may feel hounded for details.
• The solution: When talking with men, women can use two techniques to communicate more effectively. They can state the point or bottom line straight away, and they can leave out details unless asked. In addition, he can refrain from interruption.

Ex: He asks, "How was the piano recital?" She says, "Oh, the piano recital was so beautiful, the room had lovely chairs, and each one had a program on it. Her teacher had a buffet table set up with éclairs, cream puffs, strawberry tarts, and chocolates. Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best, and the music was amazing. Our daughter did not make any mistakes, and everyone clapped so loud, she was so proud of herself" After understanding the difference in communication-- He asks, "How was the piano recital?" She says, "It went great. She did not mess up at all."

Okay, now that this is clear, we are going to look at some of the other more common gender communication differences.

• Communication difference: Interrupting. When a woman is speaking she will be offended if interrupted, but expects to be able to interrupt if she has something to say. This is because as a whole, men tend to talk at women, not with them.
• Communication difference: different ways of relating to others. When a man is with his friends, and wants to show regard or comradeship he will often use sarcasm, wit, and irony. Many times women take this as caustic, or as truth hidden in sarcasm. A woman on the other hand typically shows regard by complimenting someone or sharing personal information with them. Men typically do not share confidences with women, as typically the most personal information is reserved for members of their own gender.
• Communication difference: Showing disagreement or opposition. As females grow up in our culture, they are taught to show they are listening by nodding and smiling. They are also often taught to not be confrontational, not to make a scene or be aggressive or pushy. Thus, often times they are believed to be in agreement with what is being said. This is because when they disagree, they often use indirect channels such as questions to show they disagree.
• Communication difference: Direct versus indirect messages. Men tend to be direct in their communication. They say what they mean. Women on the other hand often use indirect messages or nuances to get their message across. This leads to women always thinking men mean something else, and as men do not always recognize indirect messages or pick up on nuances in words or body language, there is often misunderstanding. In short, men don't always accurately "read between the lines" to understand a woman's meaning or question, and women always assume men mean more or different from what they actually said. Women's language tends to be indirect, indiscreet, tactful, and in many cases manipulative.
• Communication difference: Directives. Women tend to give fewer directives, and instead use more courtesy words with those directives, while men are often blunt, and even at times offensive because they use more powerful and less courteous language. For example, if a man is asked to watch his neighbors kids and he does not want to because they are little brats, he may said something like, "No, I am going to watch the game, not your brats." A woman on the other hand would be more likely to say, "Oh, I do not think I can, but I will call you if anything changes." This carries over to other areas, for example, a female manager may tell a male employee that his work is due Friday by saying, "Do you think you can have this ready by Friday?" If he responds with a yes, she will expect it Friday. If Friday comes and it is not done, she may feel like her directive was ignored, and he may feel like saying, "I did not get around to it." Is a legitimate excuse because she did not say it had to be done then, just asked if he could.
• Communication difference: Small talk. Women include small talk in just about every conversation. They feel it is important to connect on an emotional level with a person, and thus conversation can be about just about anything. They often talk about personal topics such as relationships, and people. Men on the other hand use conversations more as a means to an end-to exchange information, not to connect emotionally. Thus they are more likely to talk about news, sports, events, and happenings, and things that may or may not relate directly to them.

How understanding these differences can make marital communication easier:

The fact is that men and women communicate differently. Having a general idea of these differences helps make marital communication easier because it eliminates offense, and hurt. If a man does not share personal information willingly with is wife, she won't assume it is because he does not love her, but will understand it is simply a fact of life that men are less likely to initiate sharing of such things.

When he does not start conversations about their relationship, she can realize that it is not because of disinterest, but because men tend to stick to facts and happenings, and are less likely to initiate personal matters conversations.

When he is sarcastic she doesn't have to find it offensive.

When she interrupts him, he can recognize it as a gender difference, not a lack of respect.

When she asks a question, or poses a directive in a hidden way, he can recognize it as what it is, and not think it is a suggestion.

As you can see, there are a lot of ways that understanding gender communication differences will help clear up misunderstandings, and make marital communication better, and more clear. He can be on the look out for her hidden messages, and she can be more aware of the fact that men do not communicate that way, and thus if she wants him to understand correctly, a direct approach, a blunt approach, may be best.

Accurate communication is much more likely if you understand the fundamental differences in the way that men and women communicate, relate, etc. For example, a man should use sarcasm very carefully when talking with or about a woman, or avoid it altogether, and remember how she shows regard, and thus practice doing so when he wants to show regard to her. i.e. give her compliments. A woman on the other hand should not fault a man too harshly when he zones her out if she is giving unwanted, and too much detail.

As you find the roots of the problem in your communication lie more in the way you were brought up to communicate, and less in each other, you will have a happier, and more successful marriage. It is easy to get offended, and be angry about miscommunications, but they will occur far less frequently if you learn how to communicate with the gender you are talking to, and if you work to recognize when and where misunderstandings in communication occur. For example, if your spouse is sarcastic with you, you can ask them directly if that was a truth that was being hidden in sarcasm, or if it was a joke, etc.