Genuine Respect
As a parent, you are in a position of authority when it comes to your relationship with your children. This doesn't mean you are constantly engaged in a power struggle. Some parents confuse authority over their children with trying to control their children. You may tell your child he has to obey or else, and he may choose to obey. If you stop and think about it though, he is obeying out of fear rather than out of genuine respect and love. We want our children to obey, but true obedience is the result of a relationship built on trust and respect. Rather than worrying who is in control in the relationship, a parent should focus on shaping their children's behavior. This can only happen when you build a relationship with your child based on genuine respect rather than fear. Here are some tips to help you do just that:
|
|
Tip #1: Mutual Rule-Making
One of the first ways to build respect with your children is to involve them in the rule making process. They are going to be expected to follow the rules, so they should have a say in what the rules are and the consequences for breaking them. You can involve children in the rule making process from an early age. If your four-year-old is doing something that is inappropriate, you can ask him to stop and ask him what you should do if he doesn't listen and obey. Give him a choice between two consequences, either of which could be administered as the consequence for disobedience. A conversation could go as follows:
Parent: "Johnny, please go put your toys away."
Child: "No."
Parent: "What should I do if you don't listen and obey? Should you go in time-out for five minutes or should I take away your toys for the rest of the day?"
Child: "Time-out."
Parent: "Okay, if you don't put your toys away, I'll put you in time-out."
Child: "Okay."
More than likely, your child's response to this type of conversation will be to listen and obey. This concept is especially critical for children entering their teen years. Let's face it, teens are rebellious. You will have much less rebellion and much more respect if they have a say in what they can and cannot do. Sit down as a family and decide on rules and consequences before a situation arises so your child will respect you for following through rather than trying to control them.
Tip #2: Respectful Language
When speaking to your children you should use respectful language. Requests are followed with much less fuss than direct orders. If you tell a child what to do their natural instinct is to rebel. If you ask a child to do something, it leaves them the choice, showing them that you respect their decision although the decision they make may have consequences. Use please and thank you with your children just as you would like them to use it with you.
Tip #3: Hands-Off
Sometimes a child makes a decision that you do not agree with. For example, your three-year-old daughter may decide to wear her slippers to the store rather than putting on real shoes. Sometimes you have to allow them to decide and just go with it so they know you respect them as a person rather than trying to control them. This can be tricky with a teenager, but if you've developed a relationship of mutual respect while they are young, you will find that they will continue to respect your opinions and advice.
