Harness the Power of NO & Take Back Your Life
If you're like most people, when someone asks you to do them a favor or requests your help, you say yes when you really mean NO. Within minutes you probably feel stressed, depressed, resentful, or angry with yourself or with the person who's imposing on you.
Saying NO is a learned skill that transforms how you think about requests and puts an end to excessive people-pleasing.
The five steps below from The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--And Mean It will hone your ability to turn down those who take advantage of your good nature. As soon as you begin to apply them, you will start to feel justified saying NO and will do so without offending and without feeling guilty. You won't be able to say NO to everything asked of you, nor will you want to, but you don't have to be an ever-accommodating yes-person to be loved, respected, and admired. And, possibly for the first time in years, you'll stop feeling over-extended, overworked, and overwhelmed.
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Stepping into NO--The Basics
Make a list of your yeses over the period of a week
If you are an inveterate yes-person, the number will shock you. The acceptable number will be different for everyone. One request could send you into a tailspin, while it might take four or more to set off someone else. The real gauge is how pressured, tight for time, or resentful you feel. Any negative reaction--Why did I agree? What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't want to be available; I would rather be elsewhere--is the true measure.
Pay attention to how you parcel out your time.
If most of your time is monopolized assisting one friend, when will you see other friends? If family or job demands are high, what's left over for your own enjoyment? When your time is well managed, you'll keep some in reserve for what's most important to you.
Get your priorities straight.
Who has first crack at you without your feeling burdened or anxious? A child? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? Your spouse? Your boss?
Know your limits--start to define them if you don't know what they are.
They can be emotional or physical or both, but there's a point at which your line is crossed. How much of other people's problems can you tolerate without feeling drained? How long are you willing to put up with one-way friendships with you always on the giving end? Because you're not a trained therapist, decide how personal you're willing to be and what requests make you uncomfortable. On the physical side, when does your stamina give out? To stay healthy your body and mind require rest to rejuvenate, and if you don't set limits you won't get it.
Give control to others to ease your responsibilities.
When you don't trust others to be in charge or to get things accomplished, you wind up agreeing to and doing far more than your share of what someone else could be doing. Eliminating the need to run things yourself to be sure they turn out the way you like them relieves much of the pressure you put on yourself.
Begin Flexing Your NO Muscle
Following these steps will help you exercise your right to say NO and strengthen your boundaries against the barrage of unwanted distractions and commitments. You'll begin to think NO, before you blurt out, "Yes, sure, no problem; I'll do that for you." And, when you do, you'll find you move closer to your goal--even if it's just finding time to workout, eat healthier meals, or see a movie. For specific tips on saying NO to your friends, partner, children, office colleagues or boss, go to: www.thebookofno.com
Social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D. teaches at Rutgers University in New Jersey and has written 13 books to guide those raising or working with children and to improve relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. She specializes in issues impacting your children and family life and is available for talks and workshops. Families have changed and the role of parents is constantly being redefined and challenged. To keep up-to-date as new information emerges sign up for Dr. Newman's free Family Life Alerts at www.susannewmanphd.com www.susannewmanphd.com.
