While conflicts between family generally arise early in the marriage, there are certain events that can resurface these conflicts, or trigger them to begin. For example, you may graduate from school, have a baby, join a religion, etc. Conflict is typically about things like values, jobs, living arrangements, etc.

Let's look at some examples:

Example one:

The wife is in school getting her degree. She believes education is important, and hopes to do big things once she graduates. Her mother-in-law never went to college, but was a big contributor in society, and raised several fine children. She chose to stay at home with her children, and participate in social functions over employment outside the home. When the wife graduates, and takes a job, the mother-in-law may opening criticize her for choosing career over family. The husband may believe that being at home with the children is ideal to their being raised right, but that education and fulfillment of dreams is important as well. With whom should he side?

Example two:

The wife feels that to raise strong healthy boys she should feed them plenty of fresh foods, vegetables, fruits, etc. The mother-in-law feels like salads are for sissies and that if she really wants strong, healthy children, she should be feeding them plenty of milk, cheese, red-meat, and potatoes. The husband sees the logic behind his wife's food choices, but prefers a menu similar to what his mother would serve. With whom should he side?

Example three:

The wife is a wonderful mother, and spends her whole day with her children playing, reading, doing arts and crafts, etc. However, her household duties suffer. Laundry piles up, dishes sit in the sink dirty for a few days at a time, and in general the house is a mess. The mother-in-law is very neat, and frequently comments or complains about the house being a mess. The husband likes a clean house, but also likes seeing his children so happy. With whom should he side?

The answer: His wife! Always, no matter what the situation,

In marriage, even if you disagree with your spouse, if you side with your parent over your spouse you are sending a loud and clear message that you are a child first, and a spouse second. This is not going to help you have a happy, productive marriage. Instead, you have to always, always, always stick up for and side with your spouse. This is the path to a happy marriage.

In example one, the husband should rebuke his mother by saying, "She worked hard for her degree, and is great at what she does, and is an excellent mother, so she is getting the best of both world." Then, when it is just he and his wife, he can discuss with her the concerns he has about her working when they have children, and how having the kids raised by a sitter is not something he is too happy about. She will feel far less threatened by this discussion, and they will be able to work through the problem far easier if she knows that when someone criticizes her, even if he agrees, he is going to stand up for her.

In example two, the husband should let his mother know that the kids mother knows best, and that at the last doctor's appointment they were both strong and healthy. Then in the privacy of their own home, away from his mother, he can let his wife know that his taste in foods are a little different, and that he would like a little more meat and potatoes in his diet, but he supports the way she feeds the kids. Again, the idea is that if you want a successful marriage, you have a united front against anyone who criticizes you or your spouse, and then discuss differences of opinion in private.

In example three, when the mother-in-law criticizes the cleanliness of the home, the son needs to say something to the effect of the home can wait, the children can not. He can point out that they can have a clean home after their children move out. In the meantime, the children come first, and having happy, interactive children is more important to him then a pristine home. Later, if the messiness bothers him enough, he can help his wife to keep it clean by organizing a system, chore charts, or hiring some outside help for that, rather than for caring for the children.

As you can see, there will be times when you agree with the criticisms or comments of your relations in regard to your spouse, but the fact is, marriages will not last if you do not have solidarity, and a we-ness. When confronted with a situation, siding with your spouse, and choosing them over your own family, mother, etc. shows them that they are important to you, and helps them understand the important place they fill in your life. This leads to stronger, happier, marriages with both couples working together to come to agreements on all areas of the marriage, and support one another fully.

There are countless examples where one spouse or another is faced with the choice of solidarity or not. No matter what the situation, no matter how dire, the spouses should always side with one another. As you continue to do this you will start to develop a sense that you are a team, and your relationship will start to flourish. You will find that being a team is far better than not being one, and that you get a lot more enjoyment from your marriage this way.

The idea of solidarity is important when you are with your spouse, but it is equally, if not more so, important when you are not together. If you are at your parent's house, for example, and they say something about your spouse, such as "Too bad she never learned to cook so you have to eat fattening take-out all the time." You could choose to ignore the comment, or respond. By ignoring the comments, you do two things: first, you are giving them permission to make them, and second, in affect you are agreeing with them. So, whether your spouse is there or not, you need to show that you are a team. In the above example there are any number of ways the husband could have responded to the slight about his wife and her inability to cook. He could point out that he is capable of cooking too, and take-out is a joint decision. He could offer a comment about how there are far more productive ways for her to spend her time. He could even say that he loves take out because it gives them a chance to spend time with each other not cooking or cleaning, but enjoying one another's company, and thus strengthening their marriage. There are polite ways to put your family in their place and let them know that you are choosing your spouse over them, whether they like it or not, and they need to get used to it. You should let your family know that you will not tolerate bad mouthing of your spouse.

If you can consistently practice solidarity you will quickly find that your family will stop their nonsense, and you and your spouse will be far happier, and have a stronger, healthier marriage. Being a team in critical and ideal for a marriage that you enjoy and love. If you were to bad mouth your spouse behind their back, it would be extremely damaging to your relationship.