How to form bonds with your adopted child equal to that of your biological
If you have both adopted and biological children, you may struggle with forming equal bonds with both. Simply creating life gives you a bond that is difficult to break, and you may find that you are giving your children unequal treatment, and not intentionally. It can be difficult to love an adopted child as much as you do your own, especially as there are certain physiological bonds that form when you carry a child in your womb. So, the following are some suggestions on how to form bonds with your adopted child equal to that of your biological. These suggestions are not all simple, but they work, so put them to use:
- If you adopt a child as an infant, name them yourself. It does not matter if the biological parent has already named them, or if a birth certificate is filed. Change their name. Get a new social security card issued. Do what it takes, but a big part of having your own child is selecting a name for them, often names selected hold special significance. So, pick a name you love, that is meaningful to you, or that has been in the family for years, and name your adopted child.
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- If you adopt a child as an infant, try to breastfeed. This can be painful and difficult, and it takes a few months of preparation to get your mammary glands to produce milk, but breastfeeding is a unique and personal way to bond with your child, and you will never regret it if you do the work to breastfeed your adopted child. This alone will help you feel more connected and bonded. Or, on the flip side of this, if you adopt a child, and bottle feed, then have a biological child, bottle feed them as well so that you do not have any missed experiences with your adopted child.
- If you have a biological child and an adopted child, be sure to give them equal attention. Spend quality time with both. You would not want either child to feel left out, forgotten, or unloved. So, take the time to spend some one on one time each day with both child. Do similar activities, ask them the same questions, and listen to their answers. Even if you struggle at first, you will start to bond more and care more about your adopted child. In many cases the inability to bond is because of a resistance of feeling of alienation from the adopted child because you have a biological child. So, show them that the biology does not matter to you, and it will stop mattering to them.
- Call them your child. Do not point out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that your child was adopted, that is like pointing out someone has a big nose, it makes them feel self-conscious and different. If asked, be open and honest, but never make it point of fact to point out to everyone. Your child will feel unwanted, and awkward if you constantly tell people that they are not a biological part of your family. So, refer to them as your child. If you say it enough, you believe it, so call them your child and you will bond better
- Be open and honest with them about their adoption. You do not want a child to ever feel excluded, or if you want them to feel a bond with you, they need to know how much you wanted them, how excited you were to get them, and how grateful you are that their biological parents could not keep them.
