How to listen not try to fix
One of the biggest blunders people make in a relationship is when their significant other comes to them with a problem, they immediately rush out and try to fix it, or they try to pose a solution for them. The fact of the matter is that if you want a good relationship, you need to worry more about listening to them, then fixing the problem. Research shows that this is more of a problem for men than it is for women merely because they are taught from birth that it is their role to fix things. However, the concept of listening to your mate, spouse, significant other, etc, instead of trying to fix their problem is equally important for men and women.
Most people who tell you a problem do not need the problem fixed, they just need someone to listen to them. They can then go out and fix the problem themselves. Often times the best way to fix the problem is to listen to them get it all out there. Listening is fixing in a very real sense. It helps the person sort out the problem with a sympathetic ear.
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In many cases, the person who is talking to you just wants to be heard, and then they can go on and fix the problem or whatever it is they need, by themselves. Listening is like a metaphorical hug, it tells the person that you, and their relationship with you stands behind them and will help them if they really do need it, but that they are strong enough to conquer this challenge on their own.
If you feel the need to fix, instead of jumping headlong in and doing things the way you think would be the best, instead, ask the person in straightforward terms, "What can I do to help?" It may be they have something specific they want your help with, or it may be that there is nothing you can really do, but they need to be the ones that recognize that not you. For example, let's say your wife is pregnant and extremely nauseous and tired. She sits you down and tells you all about it. As the loving, caring husband that you are, you want to find the magic cure, and fix the problem. However, jumping up, calling the doctor, and finding some prescription or magic cure all may not be what she needs. Instead, ask, "What can I do to help?" Chances are she will have something in mind, for example, she might say, "Can you just make sure that I eat something before I get out of bed in the morning?" or she might say, "Can you get me in bed before ten so I get enough sleep?" These might be really easy things to do, and your solution might be more complicated than it needs to be.
So, how can you become a listener instead of a fixer? Start by practicing listening. The act of listening does not involve talking. So, next time you have someone that wants you to listen to them, do it. If you have to, bite down on your tongue so that you realistically can't talk.
The more you learn just to hear the words, empathize, and make sure you do not try to solve the problem, the more helpful you will actually become, and the better your relationships will be. So, start today, and see how it goes.
