• Do not ex-bash to them. If you start to tell your child things that are wrong with their mom or dad, they will feel like you are trying to get them to choose sides. Even if you just need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to complain to, do not choose your child as your listening ear. Too many people do this accidentally. They get off the phone with their ex, are mad about something, and vent to the first person they see. This person is often their child. You are an adult. Show some self control, and wait until you are out of ear shot of your child, then vent to someone or something else.
• Do not play your children off each other. If you want your child to feel neutral, and if you want to spare them from pain, do not try to use them to get at your ex. If you use your child as pawns in your messy divorce game, you will be putting your children at the front lines of battle. Do you really expect them not to get hurt? So, leave the kids out of it. Your problems are YOURS.
• If you want to protect your children from the pains of divorce, never let them hear you say anything bad, ANYTHING, about your ex. You will have plenty to say, and you will want to answer their questions with negative things about your spouse. However, if you say anything bad, you are effectively asking your child to pick sides, and pick you. Do you know what that can do to your child? So, don't be careless when saying negative things about your spouse to others. Do not tell your child's friend's parents, it could get back to your child through their friends. Do not talk about your ex on the phone if your children are home. What if they pick up the phone?
• Tell your child you and your ex will be friends forever, tell them that you still love them, just in a different way, and that they do not need to worry. Your child will need reassurance that they do not have to choose between the two of you.

If you really want to make sure that your children are spared the pains of divorce, then be sure that they know you love them. Make sure they hear from your mouth that your ex loves them. If you can do the above things, and if you can make your child's feelings your priority, and not be selfish about this divorce, your child will only have to deal with the normal pains of a family splitting, not the pains that come from a dramatic and messy divorce, no matter how dramatic or messy it is.