Why it is important to define what you think your marital role should be, and what you think your spouse's role should be:

Often times in marriage, conflict arises because of unmet expectations. The biggest conflicts are typically over unmet expectations that the spouse who did not meet them did not even know they existed. For example, a man who was raised in a family with a stay at home mom, may expect his wife to also stay at home. When she chooses to pursue her career, and leaves the children in the care of someone else to do so, it might make him angry, and make him resentful of her career. However, she may have had little or no idea that he felt so strongly about her being at home. This is a prime example of an unmet expectation that was never defined.

We all grow up differently, and we all form different ideas of what we expect marriage to be like. When our spouse falls short of those ideas, sometimes our disappointment leads to criticism, conflict, and problems in the marriage. One of the healthiest ways to avoid this from happening is to simply define our expectations, and discuss what we want from the marriage. For example, a girl who grew up on the Upper East Side, and had a cook, and a father who traveled a lot, and showed his love through lavish gifts, may expect similar behavior from her husband. She may not expect to have to cook, and may expect to be spoiled in a similar way to how she was spoiled growing up, as a sign of love and affection. Her husband, on the other hand, may also come from a wealthy family, but let's say that his father was an entrepreneur who lived most of his life in poverty until his hard work, sweat, and muscle paid off and he struck it rich. The husband may have been brought up to work for what you get, and thus does not spend money on cooks and maids, but expects that if he goes to work and pays the bills, that his wife (like his mother, presumably) would take care of the home. In his home love was shown through affectionate embraces, and shared intimacies, not gifts, as until in later years they had no money for such things. Thus, he may show his wife his love for her through embraces, long walks holding hands, etc. Can you see how this might lead to some marital problems? She may feel like he does not love her when he does not send flowers and jewelry. He may feel like she does not respect his hard work, when he comes home to take out and a dirty house.

Being clear with yourself and your spouse about how you see your role in marriage is critical to a successful, happy marriage.

It can take time to figure out why you feel certain ways, and in many cases it is not linked directly to how your parent's did things, or maybe you have certain expectations based on the opposite of what your parents did. For example, a woman who sees her mother constantly asking her father for permission to spend money may vow to make her own money in marriage so she does not have to beg someone that is supposed to be her partner and equal for money for groceries, clothing, etc. Understanding why you feel certain ways can help when it comes to compromising to make your marital roles align as best as possible with expectations, but it is not necessary for a happy marriage.

Differences in opinions about marital roles can cause problems in marriage if not addressed, and if compromises are not reached. In some cases compromise is difficult, especially if the ideas you each have differ in the extreme. However, no matter what your supposed marital roles are, it is possible to compromise so that you can both be happy, and have a more successful marriage as a result.

Take time to write down what you expect, and what you think should be expected of you in your marriage. Or in other words, define the roles you see both husband and wife playing. Be sure to address all areas, from who earns the income, to who cleans the house, to who cares for the children. You want to include things like who manages the money, sends payment for bills, maintains the cars, etc. After you have both written the expectations out in detail, it is time to share.

Be sure as you share your expectations that you do not leave anything off, even if you know that your spouse's ideas are different. Also, be sure that as your spouse shares their ideas, that you are respectful, and that you listen.

Next, discuss the underlying reasons you each feel the way you do. In many cases, discussing why you feel strongly about specific roles can help your spouse to decide if it is something they can do. For example, if a man feels like his wife should stay home and not work because it makes him feel like less of a man if he can't provide for their needs alone, then the wife should take that into consideration before determining if she is going to work. However, if his reason is that of tradition, or his mom didn't, and her mom didn't, etc. then the wife may choose to put less weight on that issue. Understanding the why's can help you come to a more amiable compromise as far as marital roles go.

Now it is time to work out that compromise. If you both agree on something, write it down. If you can both comfortably meet in the middle on an issue, then do so and write it down. For example, if she wants to work, and he wants her home with the children, or vice versa, maybe the compromise can be that she works part time while the children are in school, but is home when they are home. If you have an issue that you cannot come to an agreement on, then table it for the time being, and come back to it later.

Once you have both gone through your lists you should have a list of expectations that you both agree on for each of you. It may look something like this:

Him:

• Make 80% of income.


• Yard work.


• Put kids to bed at night.


• Cook on weekends.

Her:

• Make 20% of income.


• Housework.


• Care for children.


• Cook during the week.

Obviously the list could be much longer and more detailed, but you get the idea. It will not always be a fair fifty-fifty split of responsibilities, but that is alright, as long as you both are comfortable with what is agreed upon. For example, in the above illustration of expectation lists, the husband only cooks two nights a week, while the wife cooks five. To the outside observer this may seem unfair, but to the wife, it is a great plan, as it gives her a break two nights a week to take a bath, read a book, or just put her feet up and watch television.

Now it is time to address the issues you are opposite on. For example, if he expects his wife to cook, and she hates to, or does not know how, it may be hard to compromise there. So, the idea is to find a way to eliminate the expectation. So, in this situation, you may agree to budget for take-out, or to pay someone to cook meals for you, etc. That way he still gets dinner without having to cook it himself, and she does not have to cook either. In some cases you simply have to agree that neither one of your expectations will be met, and that you will not let it cause resentment in your marriage. No matter what you do, come to some sort of closure on the subject. That way, you both know what to expect, and will not be negatively surprised.