Moving on after an affair
Finding out that your spouse has had an affair may be the most devastating news you will receive. If the news came from someone besides your spouse, the news may be even more shocking and painful. An affair normally is the end of most marriages but individuals that believe in the power of forgiveness and in honoring their commitment to this person often are strong-willed and they will do what they need to do to make their marriage happy and successful once again. If you have decided to stay with your spouse after an affair, here are some tips on how to move on with your marriage.
Tip # 1 - Stay Calm
If your spouse is telling you they had an affair and they ask for your forgiveness, do not react either way. Remain calm and allow yourself some time to take in the news you just received. This news usually ends a marriage so you need to take some time to truly sort out your feelings. Don't do something stupid like go out with your friends and then have an affair to get even with this person. If they are remorseful for what they did, acknowledge that they are in pain and wait until you are calm and collected to discuss your situation.
|
|
Tip # 2 - Communication
Once you make the decision to move on. Take a day or a week to sit down and talk to each other. Ask your spouse questions like "what caused you to have an affair?" If you can get to the reason why they did it, you have somewhere to start to fix your marriage. You don't need to know everything about what happened, but you need to find out what you can work on that perhaps pushed your spouse into the arms of another. Get into therapy as this can help you express what you are feeling in a neutral environment. Let your spouse know how their poor decision has hurt you and impacted your life. When you can both get your feelings on the table, it will be easier to move forward.
Tip # 3 - Cut off the ties
In order for you both to move forward, your spouse must cut off all ties to the other person. This may mean they need to quit their job or you need to move. Whatever it is; do it. Get away from the person that destroyed your marriage. Change your phone numbers, sell your car. Get a fresh start and make sure this person is not involved in your life in any way.
Tip # 4 - Trust
Although you have been deeply hurt, you need to learn how to trust your spouse again. This is going to be the hardest thing you will do because you may constantly have that fear of other women or men now. Show your spouse you trust them by not asking them 20 questions about what they did that day and who they associated with.
Tip # 5 - Forgive
Right next to trust, forgiveness is hard. Don't listen to what other people say about forgiveness being weak. Be true to who you are and if you love your spouse and you want to stay with them, it is your decision to forgive them. Forgiveness will be hard because you will always have the memory of the affair. However, once you forgive, let it go and move on with your marriage. Do not bring up the affair again, especially when you have disagreements in the future. Doing so will only show your spouse that you truly have not forgiven them. This will portray you as a vengeful, unforgiving person and your spouse may have problems trusting you now.
