Most psychologists and researchers agree that when a relationship starts to breakdown there is a predictable sequence of four stages that occurs. This relationship breakdown is most commonly found in marriages but can be experienced in deep friendships and even sibling bonds.

The first stage in this predictable pattern for a relationship breakdown is when there are conflicts and complaints that cannot be resolved. All relationships have conflicts from time to time and are able to resolve those conflicts by agreeing to disagree. The difference that happens when a relationship begins to breakdown is there is no resolution to these arguments. It does not matter how many or how intense the disagreements are if you have a resolution to the problem. The relationships that continue to breakdown are those that both parties cannot come to a compromise to the others satisfactions, it becomes a stalemate. Most of these non compromising problems usually have to deal with the values each person has on core topics such as morality.

The next predictable stage in the breakdown of a relationship is that a feeling of contempt begins with one or both individuals. One person begins to be bothered by behaviors or attitudes that had previously not bothered them at all. They begin to see these behaviors more negatively as bad or stupid and the more they see these behaviors the more they begin to see their partner as bad or stupid. These negative behaviors could be something the other person does or something they don't do. Whatever the behavior it begins to create contempt for how one partner feels about the other partner. Contempt puts any relationship on shaky ground.

With conflict and contempt making the relationship even more stressful the relationship will enter the third stage of the predictable breakdown pattern. One or both partners will become increasingly defensive. Both people in the relationship will become hardened by the ongoing conflict and react more defensive during any future conflicts. This becomes a gridlock in the relationship, no problems are being resolved and one or both partners will feel that any attempt at resolution will lead to more hurt and more disappointment.

When the third stage of defense and disappointment is reached it lays the groundwork for the fourth and final stage of these predictable patterns for relationship breakdowns. Instead of facing the pain and more disappointment in the relationship there is more distance from each other in a false move to try and protect themselves. This fourth stage can be characterized by the absence of basic trust. Avoidance becomes normal in an attempt to minimize any more conflicts. This form of stonewalling only hurts the relationship more and more as one partner feels the other doesn't care and retreats even further from the relationship. There are no more conflicts but there are no more resolutions being made either.

Predictable patterns for relationship breakdowns can be found with any relationship. Conflicts are a part of every relationship because everyone is different. When resolutions or compromises cannot be made for these problems the relationship continues to breakdown further with feelings of contempt between one or both partners. Contempt makes the other partner feel inadequate and begins creating more disappointment in the relationship leading to the further breakdown the relationship until you are avoiding each other and not making any progress to solve the problems. If you are in any of these stages of relationship breakdown and want to save the relationship you should seek counseling.