Relationships: How to make second marriages work even if you don't like
When two people get married it can often take several months or even years to iron out the wrinkles that come from joining two lives together. When it is a second marriage with children, it is not just joining two individuals; it is like combining two different nations. Each family may have their own way of governing their family, their own humor, trials, and ways of showing love. One major issue in making your second marriage work is getting along with your step children. Here are a few suggestions that may help your second marriage stay strong.
- Try to consider how the step kids must be feeling. In an instant, their world is completely changed. Some of these changes may include, living in a new area, going to a new school, living with strangers. It is not hard to see why they could have a hard time with this. When I moved into my step father's house when my mother remarried, we had our issues also. My step sister, Carina, didn't talk to my mother very much. She even refused to let any of my siblings use her bathroom. My mother was frustrated and thought Carina was being a rude, selfish teenager. Instead of being blunt and telling Carina to not be a brat, my mother decided to consider what it would be like to be in Carina's position. After all, Carina's mother passed away from cancer three years earlier. Carina is the youngest child of five, and all of the sudden four of my mother's children move into her house, her territory, her life. It helped my mother to consider how hard the situation must have been for Carina before she started getting mad at her for acting selfish. My mother decided to step back, and not complain to her husband about Carina's behavior. This seemed to strengthen my mother's second marriage, to try to understand how hard the situation was for Carina.
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- Choose your battles wisely. When it comes to complaining to your spouse about your step children, be very careful. What I mean is don't complain every time your step child comes in late with his/her friends and wakes you up at night, dirty dishes not being done, wearing dirty shoes in the house, or if your step child is ten minutes late. You must consider, maybe they were taught wearing dirty shoes was acceptable. I'm not saying don't communicate to your spouse about your step children, because obviously communication in a marriage is important. Think about the big problems that you could talk about such as your step child's education choices or marriage choices; rather than complaining about the daily annoyances. Trust me; sometimes biting your tongue about something like a dirty dish will save your marriage!
- Discipline your own children, not your step children. About a week after my mother remarried, we were in my new room putting up shelves. My mother was trying to help, and she asked me if I wanted the shelf on the wall. I was thirteen at the time, and probably sounded a bit rude and told her I did not want the shelf on the wall, where she suggested. My step father took this the wrong way and thought I was being very disrespectful to my mother. He immediately told me to never talk to my mother this way, because it was so disrespectful. This took me off guard. First of all, I have known this man for a few months and he comes into my life telling me what to do? Secondly, my mother was in an awkward position because she naturally wants to defend me, but at the same time have a happy marriage. In this case, it wasn't a good idea for my step father to speak his mind and discipline me. It immediately caused tension between my mother and my step father, and later they decided that it doesn't work to discipline step children. It would have been better if my mother told me I was being disrespectful, I could have handled that fine.
My two step sisters Carina and Sarah would argue all the time at home which would drive my mother crazy. She wanted so badly to go and tell them to stop fighting and be nice to each other. Instead, she decided to stay out of it and let her husband (their father) discipline them. This seemed to help the step mother/step daughter relationship, which in turn seemed to strengthen her marriage.
It may seem like a never ending task to iron out all the wrinkles of a blended family. It can be done. What works best is to put you in your step children's shoes, or in other words try to imagine what their life is like with this big change. In addition, it helps to not complain to your spouse over small annoying things your step children do. Also, it is best to not discipline your step children, let the parent of the children take care of that. With these tips, you are on your way to a healthy, blended family!
