Stopping the Pain Train
Sibling rivalry is an old issue to hack out. Most families experience some sort of sibling rivalry conflict whether it be extreme or minimal. If you and your sibling have butted heads in the past, there may still be some festering wounds that could ruin your adult relationship. Below are some tips to help stop and heal old sibling rivalries.
Tip #1: Focus on you.
As with any relationship that needs healing, working on yourself is the first step. You have to be whole and ready to extend forgiveness to your siblings before you can begin to heal the relationship. Take some time to write down and discover all the hurtful experiences that caused and contributed to your sibling rivalry issues. These experiences could include the thoughtless treatment of a parent, the harsh treatment of a sibling, etc. If some incidents are still painful to write about, you know that they'll need extra attention to be healed. Write down how you felt about each conflict and what the conflict meant about you. You can be as spiteful as you want to be when writing it all down, but be sure to go back later with a more level head and record how you really felt and how you feel now about the experiences. Reflect on how what you may have believed at the time is not necessarily true now. Look at the experiences from the view points of your sibling, parent, and other people involved. This is the time for you to overcome childish jealousy, hurt feelings, and act like the adult you are. Get your stuff together before you approach your sibling.
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Tip #2: Ask for forgiveness.
Sibling rivalry goes both ways. Your sibling may have wronged you in the past, but I'm sure you can identify times that you were the one extending pain. Ask for their forgiveness, but don't expect it. The act of asking will restore goodwill for your part of the relationship. Remember that you are the only one in the relationship, meaning you are the one holding onto the hurt and it doesn't matter whether your sibling is or isn't. The relationship can be healed for you if you don't hold onto the past. Ask for forgiveness and extend your own whether they ask or not.
Tip #3: Talk about it.
There may be experiences that are still painful for you as an adult. If your sibling is willing to listen, talk to them about it. What ever happens, remain calm, don't accuse your sibling, and just talk about how you felt about what happened. Playing the blame game has no place in healing sibling rivalry. Remain in a state of peace and calm and you're sibling will be able to do the same. Problems get worked out when all parties involved are willing to communicate about what happened, remain calm, and look for solutions rather than rehashing old arguments.
Tip #4: Concentrate on the now.
Once forgiveness has been extended and issues have been resolved, stop dwelling in the past. You and your sibling have a bright future relationship. Concentrate on building that relationship and strengthening the sibling bonds. Your sibling relationships are likely to be the longest-lasting relationship of your life, so treat them with respect, love, and forgiveness. Concentrate on finding things you have in common and expounding on them. Rather than treating your sibling like the annoying younger child, treat them like a friend. You can build a friendship that will last through your lifetime if you take the time now to heal the hurt from sibling rivalry.
