The pros and cons of relationships with birth parents if you are adopted
A unique phenomenon has surfaced on the social landscape during the last few decades, where previously adoptee never even knew the names of their birth parents today many adoptee have relationships with both of their birth parents. This has given rise to a whole new family dynamic. Where some adoptee actively search out and find their birth parents and some birth parents are looking for the child they placed for adoption other adoptions have an "open feature" where the child grows up knowing his birth parents and has a relationship with them in addition to his adopted parents. Whatever is the basis of the adoptee/birthparent relationship it can be one of great joy or tremendous headache. Whether you are an adoptee considering searching for birthparents or a birth parent who is considering looking for the child you placed for adoption read on for the pros and cons of relationships with birthparents if you are adopted.
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We will begin with the cons:
If you are part of an "open adoption" you are much more likely to grow up with a healthy, understandable relationship with your birthparents and adoptive parents. If you are an adult adoptee searching for birthparents you must prepare yourself that your birth parents may not be overjoyed to be found. Many birthparents place their baby on the condition of anonymity and may not relish the thought of becoming part of your life. Many birthparents worry about the effect that being found will have on present-day spouse, children and other family. The same holds true for birthparents searching for a child they placed for adoption. A relationship that is founded on resentment and rejection has little chance of success.
You may be disappointed in what you find. Adoptees often build up an image of a birthparent and have unrealistic expectations of who their birthparent is or what they are doing today. It is important to understand that birthparents and adoptee are simply human and nothing more. In addition, if your birthparent or adopted child is not someone who you want to maintain a relationship with after finding them it may be difficult and emotional to break the relationship off.
If you are one of a lucky few who is warmly welcomed by birth parents or adoptee you must understand that the relationship will not exist in a vacuum. What this means is that you now have extended "family" to deal with, with all the accompanying headaches and tensions that can be part of a family dynamic. Family traditions, roles and most importantly expectations will be different and must be acknowledged.
While it can be difficult and emotional to have a relationship with birthparents there are also numerous benefits that can be a part of this type of relationship.
The pros of this are:
If you are an adoptee you can now fill in many of the blanks you have been wondering about. Where did your blue eyes come from? Who loves cooking as much as you do? The list goes on and on but a relationship with your birthparents can give you a genetic connection with the people you come from. In addition many birthparents who have reunited with a child they placed report an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction and increased peace of mind that they did the right thing.
You can now extend the circle of people you love within your life. No one ever complains that they have too many people to love. If you are blessed with a relationship with your birthparents this can add significantly to your emotional well-being and happiness.
You get to see a whole new family and understand their dynamics. Many times adoptee that reunite with their birthparents also have full or half siblings with which they can then establish relationships with as well. This gives you a place in a whole new family in which to experience the joys and happiness of family life.
