Most children wonder if parents love one child more than another. When these thoughts are provoked, they often feel jealous and can act out in hurtful ways against parents and siblings. Kids want their parents involved and to take sides in the rivalry. As positions in the family take shape oldest children may feel burdened with responsibilities that the younger children don't have and younger children may be playing catch up with an older sibling's accomplishments and privileges. Differences in sex may lead daughters to spend more time with their mother's when what her son really wants is just time to help her in the kitchen alone.

Spending special time alone with each child is one way for parents to show that they love all of their children enough and still feel they are giving equal attention to each of them. This time alone also strengthens the bond between parent and child and can alleviate feelings of jealousy and doubt in children. Some simple solutions to downplaying the ups and downs in sibling relationships include:

• Encourage older children to put their feelings into words. There are many books available to help start these conversations. Ask them to politely talk to their siblings when they express frustration.


• Talk to your older sibling about the advantages of being the oldest. There are so many things older children get to do alone like spending the night at grandma's, getting to play outside alone and staying up later at night.


• Before giving away old toys, clothes and blankets that your child may have outgrown, ask if it's ok to let the new baby or younger sibling have them. They may have more emotional attachment to an item than you're aware of.


• Have patience with a young child who has a new sibling. Even though it's an easy concept for adults, sharing time that was once theirs alone with mom can be a difficult change for the older sibling.


• As children grow older, try to stay out of their conflicts. Encourage them to find solutions that work for both parties. This suggests to the children that you're more interested in finding a solution than laying blame for the problem. If you do have to intervene, be as neutral as possible and don't assume that you know how it really happened. Watch for patterns in their behaviors that can be addressed and avoided in the future.


• Set basic household rules and stick to them. Physically hurting or name calling is never ok.


• Equal does not always mean fair. Children have different needs based on age and temperament. Address issues on their level.

As children grow older, their rivalries will change and adapt to their growing development. It is important to stay aware of the issues as a parent and to let children fix their own problems as often as possible. Most rivalries will end as children turn to teens and early adults and are able to understand the dynamics of the family better.