Tips for helping friends with their problems, when you should and when you shouldn't
Sometimes when friends need help it is appropriately to step in, and other times they need to do things for themselves. For example, if your friend is ill, a ride to the doctor is a great way to help. However, if your friend falls on hard times financially, lending them money is not a good idea. Instead you should give emotional support, and be sensitive of their situation, meaning, still spend time with them, but do it in an inexpensive way. One rule of thumb for helping friends is that extending courtesy and being a crutch are two different things. So, help when you can, but allow them to empower themselves. Basically, never lend money or pay, rather do other things.
The following are some tips and examples for how to help friends with problems, based on the types of problems, and some suggestions for things you should not do:
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Friends who are seriously ill or sick:
If you have a friend who is sick, and has to be in their house most of the time, or in bed, you should set a lunch date every week where you either take lunch in, or take them out. This is really easy to do, and will not cost you much time or money. Sick people often feel isolated. This helps.
You can offer to do things like their laundry, or dishes, or cooking a meal but should leave the things like grocery shopping, car washes, and other expensive things to their family. Do not offer to help with medical bills unless there is a collection for helping them pay for their illness. You can start one if you want, but do not let everything come out of your own pocket. Instead help them find ways to empower themselves.
Friends who are in abusive relationships:
If you have a friend who is in an abusive relationship you can help by being willing to listen, and by encouraging a break. You can also help facilitate the break in some ways.
You should not offer your home as refuge, or pay for a car, plane ticket, etc. Often times this puts you in harms way as the abusive partner will look at you as the reason for their loss of the relationship.
You can be understanding of the fear, pain and the chaos the person is going through, as well as their mixed feelings.
Don't try to help by asking harsh questions like why they don't leave their partner. Allow them to do so on their own time table.
A friend who is having financial trouble:
You can help a friend with financial trouble by avoiding expensive activities. For example, do not eat at a restaurant, instead cook dinner. You should not exclude them because of finances, or they will start living outside their means just to fit in. Instead make it comfortable and fun, and be considerate of their financial situation.
Don't treat the person unless it's a special occasion. If you keep paying for them one of two things will happen, they will feel embarrassed and less empowered which could hurt the relationship and their esteem, or they could become dependent on you and not help themselves.
Don't lend money, rather offer emotional support and help them to find a financial counselor.
As you can see there are ways to help friends no matter what the situation is, but there are also times and situations where certain help is inappropriate as it makes them dependent and does not empower your friend to help themselves. So, help them with things that are not going to hurt them.
