First of all, repairing a relationship has to be a two-party affair. The main thing to consider here is realism. It takes a devastating sort of honesty just to ask oneself, "Does Julia want to repair our relationship?" What we need to start with is: if the answer to this question is "No," it's best just to walk away. It's best just to walk away and let time take care of the wounds. They say that time heals all wounds; perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn't. But your wounds have a lot better chance of healing if you can walk away from an unfixable relationship rather than hang around and constantly pick at the wound and expose it to further rot and damage.

So, you've had the courage to ask yourself the fundamental question: "Does Julia want to repair our relationship?"-And much to your relief the answer is "Yes." What do you do from here? How do you go about repairing your relationship and restoring trust? Really, the answer to the first question lies in the second question. It's all about trust. Trust is the foundation of all relationships. The better the trust, the stronger, firmer, deeper, more immovable the trust, the better the relationship. Generally, damaged or destroyed relationships have to do with damaged or destroyed trust.

Therefore, to repair a relationship is to figure out exactly where and how you damaged trust, and to start there-to repair that trust; repair that horrible damage you inflicted on that trust. You'll make this discovery partially through your own reflections and remembrances. Again, this will take a great deal of courageous honesty. You'll have to think back, and be willing to see yourself in the villain's role. You'll have to try and see things from Julia's perspective. You may not have intended to hurt Julia when you did X, but the fact that you did hurt her is all that matters now. The hurt's been done; there's hurt to consider. When there's hurt to consider, all other considerations go out the door-the first thing to do is to heal the hurt.

Now, a lot of this honesty and seeing, as we mentioned, will come as a result of reflection and solitary thinking. But at some point you and Julia will have to talk. Talking, communication, is the fundamental tool for repairing relationships and restoring trust. You and Julia will have much to say to each other. That means you'll have much listening to do. Again, this listening will have to be a new kind of listening; a kind of listening that we, in our selfishness, don't engage in as often as we should. It's as if we're listening with our ears and with the ears of the speaker. The temptation to jump in and say, "But I didn't intend," "But I saw it this way," "But I was hurt by this," etc., will be strong; almost overpowering. If your intention, however, is genuinely to repair a relationship and restore trust, you'll find the strength to keep your big fat mouth shut!

Beautifully, all of this discipline and sacrifice will pay off in a reuniting with someone you love and a rebuilding of a relationship that means worlds to you. You'll get your turn to express your own hurt; to tell your intentions; it'll all come round in the end. But to really repair relationships and restore trust, you must be willing in the beginning (even if it takes years) to just listen and apologize, and try to make up for causing hurt, even if you never intended the hurt in the first place; your philosophy must be, "The healing of the wound is paramount; discussion of exactly how it got there can wait until it's healed."