The new step-parent also should be aware that the new step-kid is probably hypersensitive to anything that could be perceived as condescension-"aw, poor little guy" behavior. That is, he or she probably doesn't want to see, hear, smell, etc., overt signs of being empathized with. The empathizing is something that must take place within the step-parent, sincerely and deeply, even if the step-parent makes no attempt to show these developments to the step-kid. The beautiful thing about empathy is that it can be communicated in all sorts of subtle ways that the empathizer isn't even aware of. The true empathizer will be known even if he's just sitting there reading a book.

That said, the step-parent should be on the lookout for signs that the step-kid is ready to start tentatively forming a friendship, or at least exploring the possibility of one. Even something as simple as making a grocery store trip together could lay the foundations of a lasting closeness. These signs aren't always easy to perceive; but they're not always difficult, either. If Jimmy says yeah, he'd like to go to the baseball game, you're set. If Sally proves difficult when it comes to knowing whether or not she'd like to have anything to do with you, that's when you turn to your new spouse. Your new spouse will prove to be an invaluable partner in developing a relationship with your new step-kids.

After all, your new spouse has a relationship built with these kids already. He or she knows them and loves them, and there's a good chance that he or she can read even the subtlest signs and let you know when Jimmy's ready for that next step, or when Sally's ready for that first one.

Step-parents wanting to form healthy relationships with step-kids, then, need to be aware of a few basic things. One is this necessity for empathy, for a true understanding and feeling for the very difficult, complicated emotions of the child. This empathy must be formed regardless of the step-kid's attitude toward the step-parent: even if the step-kid refuses to talk to his or her new step-parent, the step-parent should be working on building this foundation of empathy. Once it's there, the real deal, the step-kid will know it and hopefully, in time, will respond to it. The second thing the step-parent should be aware of is the resource of his or her new spouse in dealing with the new step-kids. There should be long conversations about Jimmy and Sally, conversations that uncover Jimmy's favorite movies, Sally's favorite books, as well as discussions about Jimmy and Sally's basic personality traits and so forth. The step-parent ideally wants to get to know the step-kid as well as if they were his or her biological kids.