Unresolved conflicts, and the effects on relationships
When you have unresolved conflicts in a relationship the affects are almost always negative. In fact, the most common affect is projection. Whether you project those conflicts into the same relationship later on down the road, or into future relationships, it is a very real issue to have unresolved conflicts. For example: the girl who gets stood up by her prom date and never resolves it will always wonder and worry if she is being stood up if a date is late. This is not the fault of the new person she is dating, but a projected consequence or effect of a past experience.
Relationships are often much more complex than we think because of the simple fact that all interacts and relationships in the past and present are going to have some sort of influence on your relationship. So, this is why it is so important that you do not have a whole closet full of unresolved conflicts. It can make having a healthy relationship very difficult. The reason for this is simply because the relationship we share with our partners are influenced, to a great extent, by our own personal histories. This means that even when it is no fault of their own, we often react to them as if they were someone else who caused conflict with us.
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As we grow up and develop as an individual we are exposed to both positive and negative experiences. The positive experience may produce feelings of love, trust, and a secure self-image, and the negative ones might produce the opposite. It is your job in a relationship to learn how to resolve unresolved conflicts so that they do not negatively impact future relationships.
Another projection issue that often comes from unresolved conflict is putting our negative feelings and traits onto the other person in the relationship. For instance, if you have an issue with jealousy that stems from an unresolved conflict, you may project these emotions into your partner, and accuse that individual of being jealous. It is often the fact that when we can't fix the problem in ourselves we make it someone else's problem. So, if you want to have a healthy relationship you need to understand what projection is, and how it affects you.
Whenever possible examine yourself, your fears, your worries, and the things you do not like about your partner, and determine if those are actually things you are struggling with, or things that someone in your past was struggling with. For example, if you were in an intimate relationship where you only got attention when your partner wanted sex, you might accuse your next partner of that same crime. This may be entirely untrue, but your feelings from the past relationship may carry over and affect your current relationship. So, start by trying to resolve past conflict. If you struggled with your esteem because of the way someone treated you, you need to really ask yourself if your new partner is treating you the same way, or if your feelings are a residue of what happened in your past.
By learning to resolve our conflicts, and treat each relationship differently, we can have healthier, happier relationships. It is not going to be easy. Someone whose spouse cheated on them may always struggle with trust in intimate relationships, but if they make positive efforts to recognize they are now with someone else, they can help the relationship last.
