What you should not do when your children argue
When you see your children argue, it is hard to not want to step in and stop them from fighting. There are a lot of things you can do when you see your children argue, but what choice is the best? You can ground, you can ignore, you can start yelling at them, join the argument, etc. So, let's take a look at what not to do when your children argue.
It's tempting as a parent to always jump in to an argument, and put a stop to it. No one wants to see their children argue. However, doing this can often reinforce the very fears that began the argument, and deprives the children of working the issue out for themselves. If you always solve the problem for the child, you do not allow them to learn problem solving skills for themselves.
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Another reason you should not jump into an argument, or put a stop to it, is that often parents will protect the weaker of the child. However, this has a negative consequence as it will reinforce the stronger child's view that the weaker child is loved more. It also reinforces their dominance as the weaker child has to have help to solve the problem. In addition, jumping in to save or protect the weaker child will give the weaker child the thought that they can get away with more because they will be rescued, and because they are perceived as picked on or weak. And, in addition to all of this, it prevents the weaker child from building up their own defenses and becoming stronger, so by helping them out of an argument, you are keeping them from ever being able to grow strong enough to fend for themselves.
If you have a no fighting policy in your home it is important to encourage your children to find a better avenue for working out a problem, however, as long as the kids aren't hurting each other, and as long as they are not picking fights just to pick them, then you should let the argument run it's course.
If the child is really bothered with what the other has done (and not about some thing else, and are taking it out on the other) then letting the argument run its course is going to have very positive effects.
If you find your child is arguing a lot more than normal, or that they argue just for the sake of arguing, then you will want to look for the root cause of the problem. DO not just scold them, but instead, sit down and talk with them about the stress they are feeling that is causing them to be irritable. Then, help them to find ways to make the situation more manageable, and to be less prone to fighting.
Last, but not least on the no-no list for when children are arguing is to never make a big scene of it. This is hugely important because if you do make a big scene of it, you are basically giving your child permission to use an argument as a way to gain your attention in the future. This is never okay. So, set your limits, and do not allow arguing, but if it is going on, take care of it quietly, and with poise.
Children argue, and that is part of figuring life out, so let them figure it out, and let them make choices, just be sure to give them verbal guidance.
