Why you may not listen in a relationship
There are things that we all do naturally that prevent us from listening. This is especially common in relationships because we become more and more comfortable with the person, and thus less likely to listen to their words and intents. Not listening is a big problem for relationships, so if you are like one of thousands of people that struggle to listen, or put up listening blocks, it is time to learn the most common listening blocks so that you can recognize when you do it, and change your behavior.
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- Comparing Comparing is a common listening block. As the person is talking you are trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, better looking, funnier, etc. This makes it hard to listen because you are always trying to see how you measure up. It might be who is better, who is worse, who has suffered more, who has cuter kids, etc. The point is, you cannot let much in because you are too busy seeing if you measure up. So, stop comparing to start listening.
- Mind Reading
This is another common problem. What it means is that instead of paying attention to the words being said, you are trying to figure out what the person is actually thinking, and you might even distrust what is said. The mind reader pays less attention to words than to intonations and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth. You make assumptions about how people react to you, and you are trying to glean deeper meaning from words then is actually there. - Rehearsing
This is a listening block that is especially common for people who love the limelight. It is when you do not have time to listen because you are too busy thinking about what you are going to say next, or what comment or insight you can add. - Filtering
This is when you listen only enough to get the gist of the conversation, and then you let your mind wander. It is like the mother who asks her son how his day was to ensure he actually went to school, and then tunes out any of the details. - Judging
Basically if you have a prejudgment of someone, especially a negative one, you are less likely to listen to what they have to say. For example, let's say you think someone is annoying, well then when they start telling a story, you might tune it out because it is sure to be obnoxious. A basic rule of listening is that judgments should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message. - Identifying
In this block, you are basically taking everything a person tells you and trying to find a way to refer it back to your own experience. This means that instead of listening to what they have to say, as soon as you find a connection to yourself you launch into your own story or tale or comment.
These are just six common listening blocks, but as you can see, you are probably guilty of committing at least one, if not several of these. The problem with being a listening blocker instead of a listener is that the relationship can only be one sided that way, and thus, it will never grow. So, if you want your relationships to work, whether friendships, romantic relationships, or even work relationships, learning to actually listen, and not block listening is a big first step.
